today is a holiday here on the west coast. i should be sleeping yet the upstairs resident wears shoes in the bedrooms and is particularly loud on this holiday when headed off to work starting at 4ish. so, i get up and as soon as this person leaves, i headed down to the water to chill for a min or two.

i said something yesterday at this time when so awoken and at dinner time last night the constable came by to say that I shouldn’t. what i said was ‘ you woke me’ it is 5:30 am as i had been awoken by this sad souls tremendous thudding on the floor above my bedroom. i said it softly, in my home, on my side of a closed window, and it was heard. so, no more words to this sad soul. the constable said that the true reason for the visit was that i had said ‘hello’ on 3 previous occasions over the last month. hello has been tradational a word of welcome and an opportunity to engage another soul where i live and was raised. i suspect that this sad souls end goal is monterey from some such unnamed source as of yet. i suspect that i will be the such a source yet i will fight it.

i have always believed in fairness and logic. this is defying both and by being strong, such weakness try to shake the strength through meanness, pettiness, unkind and untrue actions. this has been my third such call by my neighbours. twice now because of hello, the other time it was just about a lie said and forwarded to an innocent.

this is about control and not about fairness. or rules, or kindness. what these sad souls don’t understand is that all of their pranks, rudeness, pettiness and nasty controlling behaviours are just a walk in the park. the bitch that bore me was way way worse. so i will prevail with kindness and perhaps one day i will get an apology.

yet, i don’t accept apologies. i have had thousands throughout my life time and it never changes anything. i have felt that ‘i’m sorry’ was a get out of jail free card, usually no remorse, no real change, just a few flat words that never takes away the grief, sorrow and contempt that was spewed before.

now to be fair, i have said ‘i’m sorry’ a lot of late. i am sorry that i was not able to be an instrument of change for my late daughter. i am sorry that i couldn’t reach through into her life to help more, yet she had to learn to help herself and she did try. to no avail in the end and i am so sorry that she is now gone. and there is nothing i can do to change this outcome. so i am sorry in grief and in loss. do you see what i mean on how these words of ‘i am sorry’ are hollow and are not an instrument of change.

if you are the aggressor, don’t say you are sorry for in these few words, there is no instrument of change. say instead, ‘ i will not repeat these negative actions’ is a far better response in my opinion. a place to begin to change.

change is not as hard as most make it out. take a deep breath and exhale slowly, move the first foot forward, and then follow with the other. that is all change takes, movement. select a direction, and move. breath all on it’s own is movement. don’t stop.

be kind, stay safe and be well. one day at a time.